WRITTEN BY: KRYZIA
Escalation of commitment. It happens when we can't walk away from something that's failing because of all of the resources we have invested (e.g. time, money, etc.) in that something. It can happen in any aspect of our lives, including our relationships. It's that nagging feeling of "you should break up with them", but hesitating because you've been with that person for x number of years or you've already moved in together or they've met your family already or.. The list can go on. It doesn't only happen with the extreme of breaking up, but it can also be to the extreme of getting married. It's that nagging feeling of you shouldn't get married just yet, but feeling like you need to because you're getting pressured from all sides or you've already made the announcement or.. Again, the list can go on.
After being with Andrel for so many years, we were mindful of escalation of commitment. I never wanted to be in a position where there were so many red flags, but we couldn't leave each other or slow down because we've been together so long and we've been through so much. It's a dangerous place to be in. So, I set up safeguards for myself. People may not agree with some of them, but keep in mind while reading this post that I did what I evaluated would work for me. You're more than welcome to tweak what I've listed to suit your needs or simply ignore them altogether. What I do hope you will take from this post is to be mindful. Be mindful of the possibility of escalation of commitment and figure out ways to prevent it in your relationship.
WRITTEN BY: ANDREL
One of the things I've learned over time is that Kryzia and I are very different. Big discovery. We're different not only in the way that we process information, but in the goals and aspirations we have for our lives. In the process of creating a shared vision, one of the most important things I've learned is how to make space for someone else. What that means is, I've had to learn how to become less self-centered and allow someone else's life objectives to become part of mine.
WRITTEN BY: KRYZIA
When Andrel and I began our relationship in grade, there were two things I knew to be true about my high school self: (1) I was a social butterfly and (2) I wanted to do something with my life. At the time, my grades were mediocre, but my social life was robust. I remember telling my immigrant, Asian parents that grades meant absolutely nothing because no one would care what my grades were after I left high school. It was always a point of contention, to say the least, whenever my parents got that report card. I bluntly told them that I wanted to focus on my social life because those relationships would be what matters at the end of the day. And they really did matter. Those friendships carried me through some of the roughest challenges of my life, not just in high school but up into my adult life. It's funny because Andrel would bring up a random name from the past, asking me if I remember so and so. I always casually answer, "Yeah, we used to be pretty close."
Because I was a social butterfly, I was all the things and more: Class President, Social Vice President, Student Association Special Events Coordinator, Student Association President.. It was a long list of extracurriculars and student leadership positions. There was a sense of self-confidence and self-awareness. Whenever someone asks Andrel why he decided to pursue me, he'll tell you it's because I had a big head.. literally and metaphorically. He thought it was his duty to "humble me". However, my strong will and ambition are two of the things he's learned to love and accept about me. In high school, there may have been a slight tinge of conceit.. I'll admit it. I was confident that I could be more and do more in my life, that I wanted to make a great impact on my corner of the world. I didn't know exactly where I would end up or how I would get there, but there was always this longing to break the limitations that were placed upon me because I was an Asian, Filipino woman.
But then, I got into a relationship that mattered and my whole world was turned upside down.
Written By: Andrel
In a previous post, I highlighted that within the black community and in my own experiences, there are a number of covertly destructive philosophies that can either slow down or completely prohibit forward momentum. As of late, one such philosophy that I have been battling against in my mind is the concept of being "self-made". For the purpose of this post, the working definition of "self-made" is when a person propels themselves out of their inherited social position and acquires success on their own, thereby creating a new identity of higher stature for themselves. The definition of success is subjective. In reading this post, it can be viewed as holistically or narrowly based on your own perspective.
WRITTEN BY: KRYZIA
I watched the now infamous Gillette ad when it came out last week. The funny thing is, I started writing this post before the ad came out. I watched the ad. Here's what I saw. I saw men objectifying women, harassing people, and bullying others. But I also saw men stepping in, calling out that behaviour, and holding their fellow man accountable. I saw a man asking other men to hold each other accountable. I saw men stepping in to stop other men from being creepy in their approach to women. I saw a man step in to stop a bunch of kids bullying another kid. I saw a video of a man stopping a group of boys from resorting to violence over nonsense. I saw a man being there for his daughter.
Yet, there are men who are furious because they see this commercial as a portrayal of men in a negative light, completely missing the juxtaposition. They got so fixated on the negative portrayal that they completely missed the point. Comments about the ad being "anti-white" and "anti-man" and "leftist liberal propaganda".. It makes me shake my head. Asking for accountability, encouraging respect and civility, and believing we can do better is "anti-white", "anti-man", and "leftist liberal propaganda"?
In a time when the horrible actions of certain men (i.e. Harvey Weinstein, R. Kelly, etc.) are currently under immense scrutiny, I think it's necessary to acknowledge we've created a toxic and dangerous environment that has allowed horrendous actions to thrive and repulsive men to get comfortable. I think it's necessary to tell each other to do better, to hold each other accountable. I think it's necessary to admit that we haven't done the greatest job, that there's room for improvement not just for ourselves, but for our future children. Because isn't that whole point? To leave this place better than when we got here?